It all started when I was sat on my own on a rollercoaster. No one told me what was coming around the corner, nor if it was fun or scary. I was left to it. I was fascinated to see what this would be like, but the other half of me just wanted it over and done with, or to even get off of this ride. I had no idea how high I was and didn't want to know. But I could tell I was no where near the ground. I looked over to the right and down, it was dark. This frightened the living daylights out of me! The coaster was made from steel, but what I was sat in was hard wood, the track the rollercoaster was on was rusting away, I imagined the rollercoaster to not be so fast as it was so rusty, but then I figured maybe I was just being dumb. I felt a tug. The rollercoaster was moving.. uh oh I thought. My heart was beating unbelieveably fast, I almost thought it would be in my mouth any second! Next thing I know, I'm outside, I could finally see people, they were queuing for the ride I am on right now, it was a rather big que so I thought maybe this ride isn't so bad after all. I thought way too soon. I looked in front of me I was making my way up to a darkened place, I was extremely high at this point, even higher than I was when I first started. It looked as if I was making my way into a mountain. I couldn't see a thing, I was absolutely terrified, I'm afraid of heights which didn't help me one bit!!
I got into the extreme dark and gloomy mountain, but at this point I was right at the very top. The rollercoaster had stopped for a minute or two, everyone was silent. No one had no clue what was going on, everyone thought we were stuck, we all had mixed thoughts going through our heads, children were crying. I was on my own, I had no one to cry to or talk to, I was only 11! The rest of the ride was a huge rush. All of a sudden the ride roughens up and I feel myself getting pulled backwards. It started slowly then all of a sudden it got faster and faster, I was hating it so much I just wanted to jump off! I was getting tossed around like a football or like I was vegetables in a food processor! All I could feel was my stomach turning as I would go loop to loop. I had no idea what was going on as I was in pitch black, all I could feel was the wind and speed. My eyes were watering like madness and I just couldn't stop them from falling. Tears were appearing instead of a scream. My breath was gone and my scream was just trapped inside of my body. I remember thinking this isn't as fun as playing in the park when I was younger. The ride came to a stop after about 5 minutes of complete brutity. I think getting off of that ride, was the fastest I have ever moved up until this day! I only felt excitement in my body knowing that I've actually survived! All of that gushing of wind to my face, the tears and the no screams has made me think twice when I attend a theme park. But to be honest they are not my number one choice for a day out thats for sure! I hate rollercoasters. Next time I go to Florida, I will not be back on that ride, that's for sure.
A real sense of anxiety about this piece with an almost stream of consciousness feel to it at times. Some hints of the McCarthy-esque chopped up sentences early on and a clear attempt to offer vivid description towards the end.
ReplyDeleteHave a think about how you relay details to the reader - how often can you miss out a sentence or even part of a sentence without affecting the overall meaning? Also, can you split the details up into more paragraphs so as to allow time for the tension to build? Although it does ape the idea of the rush of a rollercoaster, this is a little congested at times so for future writing take the time to read it back - even aloud - to see where it needs some pauses.
A really good idea for the piece and it's worked out well.